Perfect Illusion
by grave.man
Summary: Summary? Well, I ain't good at those things... Just another RDR fic in the mix of things between Arthur Morgan and John Marston.
1. Chapter 1

A couple things before we begin. This is not my first time writing fanfics. Not my first time writing a RDR fanfic but it's been a while. I created this account to start over fresh. Some things may not be perfect to the RDR 2 storyline but that after all is why these are 'fanfics'... and, I can be quite forgetful so if some things might seem off or left out, that could be why.

Yes, in this fanfic, and whatever ones I may choose to write in the future, Arthur Morgan and John Marston are bisexual at the least and that's what my stories will tailor towards - their feelings for one another. If you're not comfortable with that and would rather stick to the canon way of things, you _**don't**_ have to read this or any others that may come. I'm not here to force anyone to read. I'm just here to maybe gain a fan base of those who think or want to see some of the same ideas I'm thinking and enjoy exploring the same concept I have considered. So please, before I and you proceed, let's keep in mind this is a fic with _**homosexual** _scenes and feelings. If you proceed to read knowing this, please I ask don't come at me with rude comments. Thank you. Without further ado, I hope you enjoy this fanfic.

I have let a friend proof read so hopefully all spelling and grammar mistakes have been avoided.

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 _"This is a goddamn mess... We're losin' men left and right and Dutch is losin' his mind right along with it... or maybe, maybe I'm the one who's losin' his mind... I don't know anymore, I barely know which way is up and down these days. My loyalty, well, it's-"_ Just as pencil came to touch paper, a figure emerged outside of Arthur Morgan's tent, casting a shadow over the light that was provided by the lantern in the small space.

"Arthur" John's voice broke the silence of the late hours of the night. Arthur's gaze traveled from his journal to the man standing before his tent. "John." He gave an awkward nod. "Thought you were sleepin' with-" His words were cut off by a cough that he tried his best to play off as little as he could. "With Abigail and Jack."

"Can't sleep... I was..." John's gaze darted to the ground for a moment as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, take a ride with me? There's somethin' I wanna talk with you about, don't wanna talk here..." His words trailed off into a mutter as weary gaze traveled around the camp. Arthur's brow raised in response as he pulled out a pocket watch from the confines of his pants pocket. In the light it read 12:10. "John, it's 12 in the goddamn morning, we just busted your ass outta prison and you want ME to take a ride with YOU, to talk?" Arthur gave a shake of his head at that. "No, go get some sleep, with your 'family'." Words spat out more bitter than he had intended.

"Please Arthur, it's..." John's voice lowered as he knelt down and came in a little closer. "It's about Dutch."

Dutch... DUTCH. Arthur's attention peaked at that and he stared intently at John before finally letting out a deep sigh. "Alright, I'll come on your little midnight ride, but if we get into some kinda trouble, I'm gonna hang you my damn self."

"Comedy don't suit you Arthur, let's go..." John muttered as he backtracked his way out of Arthur's tent and stood up. Arthur was half tempted to roll his eyes as he reached for his gun belt sitting on a create next to him. As he exited his tent and stood up, Arthur secured the belt around his waist and followed John quietly to where the horses were kept. "What about the guard?"

"I'm supposed to be on guard." John responded as he mounted his horse.

"You're the guard and you're leaving?! If Dutch gets one sniff of this, he's not gonna be happy." Arthur shook his head, climbing into the saddle of his black Arabian.

"Yeah, well, I ain't happy about a lotta things he's been doin' lately... Guess we'll be even..." John's words held a little more... venom than usual. With a click of his tongue and a kick to the horse, John's horse started off in a trot.

Something of a growl was emitted from Arthur's throat but he bit his tongue regardless and guided the reigns of his own beast into the same direction as John's horse.

It didn't seem to take long, a little over five minutes if that for John to lead them to a secluded spot away from the camp. The both of them had ascended to the some high peak over looking some of the land below and for Arthur, it reminded him of nights long passed that he didn't care to think about these days. Oh damn the moon for shining bright in its place upon the sky, damned the stars for being out and damned the clouds for being nonexistent!

John brought his horse to a stop, overlooking the landscape below. He was silent for sometime as he leaned forward, resting against the horn of his saddle. In the corner of his eyes, Arthur made his up beside him.

"Nice night out..." John's voice finally broke the silence.

Arthur however didn't seem to care for the small talk. His gaze darted to John and then back ahead of them again. "Ain't here for small talk John..." Another one of Arthur's coughs broke through his words. "What's this about Dutch?"

"Dutch... Dutch..." John's words trailed off, as if he had almost forgotten the reasoning for coming all this way out here and perhaps, he did, perhaps he wanted to forget the reason. Dutch was beginning to become a dark cloud looming over all their heads as of late. "I been thinkin'... That day... My ride to the prison... Hell, when you're out there workin' the fields you do nothin' but thinkin'!" The man drew in a deep breath, looking over up to Arthur. "He was there Arthur... Right there."

Arthur looked over to him, with narrowed eyes. "We were all there John... Hosea... Lenny..."

"Arthur, he didn't do a damn thing! I feel like... I don't know I feel like he could've stopped it, I really do! I feel like he let them take me, of his own free will..."

Arthur's jaw clenched as he diverted his gaze from the man before him again, fellow gang member, family, brother, perhaps more... No. Those days were laid to rest ages ago it felt like and he couldn't think of them, not in this shit storm that was being kicked up once again.

"You think Dutch would deliberately let them capture you? For what? What would he gain from it?"

"His freedom..." John muttered, accompanied by a sigh soon after as he shook his head. "I don't know! But was he gonna come for me? Did he even have a plan? Did he talk about it? Look at me and answer it honestly..."

Arthur drew in his own deep breath and released it in a wheeze, swallowing deeply afterwards, teeth clenching again as he had to practically force himself to look up to John. "No, not really..."

"See! He was gonna let me swing! He was gonna... Argh!" John bit back his anger the best he could, turning completely away from Arthur. "I have a family... and he was going to take me away from them, for his own skin..." He gave another shake of his head as he released the reins to his horse, dismounting the creature.

Arthur watched him as he took a few steps away from where they were. This thing with Dutch, it was confusing... Arthur had never been boggled by something before but they had all sacrificed for him, lost for him, Arthur included.

Arthur dismounted his horse and was careful to approach John, leaving a bit of distance between the two of them. "This thing with Dutch, I don't know what's going on anymore... I just know things aren't the way we remember them... We aren't kids anymore. Things have changed, times have changed... " more coughs racked his body "The world's changing and it's leaving people like us behind and maybe..." Arthur paused, hesitant to continue his sentence at all, struggling to catch his breath at the same time. "Well, hell, what do I know? Maybe things were never as they seemed to begin with... Maybe we were just lost souls strung along, day-dreamin' of a better future that never came..."

John was silent for a couple of moments, just standing there with his thoughts... Thoughts of anger, thoughts of bitter-sweet nostalgia, of what was promised, what could have been and what was now crumbling around them. Slowly, he glanced over his shoulder back at Arthur. "What happened? What went wrong? We pledged our loyalty to Dutch van der Linde... We risked our lives... We sacrificed and now..." John's words trailed off as he turned to fully face his companion. "Now, you've ran your damn self half to death for this dream of his! Would he do the same for us?"

Arthur hated these kinds of things. Hated these touchy, feely kinds of conversations. It was hard to keep his gaze in contact but when he looked away, he was quick to snap back to John, catching the sight of the man quickly wiping away at his eyes. In haste he closed the distance between them even further and held his finger out to John. "Don't you dare! You better suck that shit up mighty quick or I'll beat your ass right here, right now."

John was the one to swallow hard this time as he locked eyes with Arthur, his form shaking just the slightest. "You've given more to us than anyone in this 'family' has... What about you Arthur? What has Arthur wanted? What has Arthur gotten? A bounty on his head..."

Arthur gave a swift shove to him. "Ain't none of your concern... I made my choices..." the coughs to his body came again "I have to live with them in the time I'm given... But you, Abigail, Jack..." cough "Things can be different for ya'll... This life it ain't yours to live John, it ain't theirs... Now, I've already talked with Sadie about helpin' y'all when the time comes."

John's hands clenched to fists when he was shoved, almost ready to come back swinging at that, until those two names were spoken and just as if time itself had frozen, he stopped in place, just staring at Arthur. "...and if I do... You, you'll be there too, won't you?"

Arthur almost wanted to shove him again, almost wanted to tackle him and throw a few punches his way. Why couldn't they go to how things were only months ago? Hating one another, throwing snide remarks and comments toward one another in passing. Things were easier then but he supposed if things were still like that, with that kind of resentment between them... John wouldn't be standing here today having this conversation with him.

Arthur reached out a hand to place upon John's shoulder with a nod. "Yeah... I'll be there... This thing, when it ends, I have a feelin' it's going to end nasty and I still got some fight in me yet."

In one swift motion, Arthur was pulled into a tight embrace that he couldn't have predicted, expected or have rejected. Oh, John had his sneaky ways about him.

"Thank you... For what you've done for me. You saved my life... Brother."

Arthur grumbled under his breath and pushed him away. "Don't call me that... Ya know it makes me feel awkward..." He muttered as he looked away.

John looked away, brows furrowing in mild confusion. "What should I then? You didn't want to be... Well, you know, all those years ago before... Abigail..."

"Don't bring this up again John. You promised to let that go... We both know that kind of shit's a death wish... People like that, it ain't right, it ain't normal..."

"Well if not that, if not brother, what?" John glared up at him.

"How about just, friend?" Arthur replied.

John lowered his head but nodded nonetheless. "Sure... Friend it is... Arthur..." Just as quick as that previous hug had come, John had swept in to place a quick kiss to Arthur's cheek.

However, this time Arthur was equally as quick in his reflexes, his fist whirled around, colliding with the side of John's face, socking him. "What the hell is your Goddamn problem? You trying to catch your damn death too?!" He exclaimed as his coughs returned.

"I... No... I just..." John somehow managed to keep his balance, reaching a hand up to rub the side of his face. However his gaze landed on Arthur in worry when the coughs didn't seem to subside this time, only getting worse. "Arthur... I'm sorry... I didn't mean to..." He reached a hand out for the other.

"N-no..." Arthur waved him away with one hand as the other was placed over his mouth while he attempted to regain some control of himself, each time he felt as if he were coughing up one of his lungs. "G-give me s-space..."

John stepped even further back with a sigh. "I didn't mean to get you riled up... I just... I don't know what I was trying to do, what I was thinkin'... I'm sorry."

Once Arthur had finally managed to regain some of his control, apart from wheezing breaths, he turned to John, wiping blooded hands onto his trousers. "John. Forget it and leave it in the past. Please. As I said, we ain't kids no more."

John opened his mouth as if to say something but instead he just shook his head. "C'mon, we should head back to camp." He spoke as he headed for his horse.

Arthur pushed himself up out of his hunched over position and followed John's lead. Both men mounted their trusty steeds and started their descent from the cliff range and onto the route back to camp where Arthur could rest and John could resume position of guard for what time he had left.

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If you would like to leave a review, it would be much appreciated ~!


	2. Chapter 2

Finally, a second chapter! These may not be consistent in when I put them out exactly, but I will try not to surpass a month's time span. I do get busy though. Also a little note, I do try to keep my events after specific missions because I would rather not write out them missions themselves and recall those as, we already know what has happened there and this is to explore Arthur and John's relationship and not what the game's storyline has laid out for us. I don't know why but I just feel I should put that out there.

If John may seem OC at any part of this story, I'm chalking it up to him just having a softer spot in his heart for Arthur that we don't get to see canonly. :P If Arthur seems OC at any part of this story... I don't know how to excuse that but to say I'm sorry. I'm trying to keep them as close to their character traits as I possibly can.

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Thinking, that's all Arthur Morgan seemed to do these days, thinking of all the ways this thing with Dutch was crumbling... how it appeared that they were digging their graves deeper with each new plan he came up with. More money, that's all Dutch ever talked about. One more big scheme, more noise, more money and it was over... Only, it never was but the trouble, oh that kept piling up. Arthur could practically feel the Pinkertons breathing down his neck.

Maybe though, maybe if he just hung in there a little longer, maybe he could somehow get through to Dutch... or maybe all of this was a lost cause and he was just wasting the final breaths he did have on false hope.

Arthur needed a distraction from it, from everything; the gang, their inevitable downfall, his illness, every last bit of it. Sitting here, waiting for Dutch's next call was tense and unbearable. Arthur could feel the tension between all of them and could feel the stares on him from those that no longer thought of him in the way they used to. So much for the family Dutch once painted them out to be.

"John," Arthur called as he placed a hand on the man's shoulder.

John turned to look at him with a brow raised. "Can I help you with something, Arthur?" He asked, a part of him nervous for the answer to come, worried that Dutch had already set out some new line of orders for the two of them to go along with. If that were the case, Dutch had officially lost his damned mind. After all, they had just blown up a bridge and almost lost their life in the process.

"I was..." Arthur's words were cut off by a cough and for the fact that he felt downright awkward asking this. "I was wondering if you would like to have a drink with me?"

Well now, wasn't this a surprise? Certainly a change of pace from the usual routine they carried out in their day to day lives. But, John would have never dreamed of the day Arthur invited him out for drinks again!

Initial shock aside, John nodded. "Yeah, I could use a drink or two." Who was he to decline? Not only could he use some relief from all the stress lately but this could provide an opportunity for them to talk, which John found himself longing to do more frequently with Arthur. "Just don't get dog drunk on me though... I heard about your little adventure with-" And just as quickly as he had forgotten, John had remembered. "Shit... I'm sorry..."

Arthur just looked at him for a moment but just gave a shrug and a pat to his shoulder. "It's alright, c'mon."

John only nodded and followed his lead.

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"Give me a whiskey." Arthur spoke as he tossed a dollars worth of coins the bartender's way. "And one for my friend too."

"Your treat huh?" John inquired curiously.

"Yeah, so keep your mouth shut and let me be nice, while the moods there." Arthur retorted, annoyance accompanied with his usual wheezing.

John looked at him in concern. He did that a lot lately but Arthur wasn't the one for pity and typically John wasn't the man to give it but there was an undeniable tender spot in his heart for Arthur Morgan.

"Oh, so you have moods now? That's new." John chuckled as his whiskey was handed over to him.

"And you have too many sometimes." Arthur retorted once more as he took a drink of his own.

"Fair call... I'm sure even Abigail can agree with you there..." John grumbled under his breath.

Arthur took in a deep breath, downing another gulp of the whiskey. "Can we..." He was interrupted by the misfortunate coughing fit that seemed to come more and more frequently as the days rolled on. "Not..." He attempted through them regardless. "Talk..."

John's attention snapped on him, panicked that on top of his illness striking that maybe he had gotten choked. He reached a hand out to roughly pat the other man's back. "Relax Arthur... Could you maybe bring him a glass of water?" John asked, looking up to the bartender who nodded.

"N-no!" After several more coughs, Arthur seemed to calm down. "Just, bring me another drink."

"A-are you sure, sir?"

"Yeah." Arthur's answer was followed by his deep wheezing. Once the bartender went to retrieve another drink, he turned a stern gaze on John. "No talk of Dutch... No talk of women... Let's just have a good time?"

John was stunned and silent but merely nodded. "Sure, Arthur..." This was completely out of the ordinary when it seemed that all Arthur's focus had been on was their family as a whole. But John chalked it up to Arthur just wanting, needing a break from the day to day worries in their entirety.

The next hour seemed to pass by in haste with the both of them sharing several more drinks. Eventually, Arthur had seemed to rid himself of whatever issue that plagued him earlier and the both of them found themselves reminiscing about days long gone once liquored up more and loose, though it did seem the conversations harbored more on the two of them than the gang itself. John couldn't remember the last time they had a moment like this but it was nice to talk about the days when they were younger, dumber and with dreams that they - he thought were attainable.

Suddenly, John looked up at Arthur with all seriousness spread across rough features as he sat his empty glass down. "It could've worked, ya know?"

Arthur tilted his head to stare at him, quirking a brow. "What could've?"

John looked around them and leaned in closer. "Us. It could've..." He muttered.

"John... You know how I feel about these kinds of things..." Arthur grumbled under his wheezy breath.

"I know but sometimes I think..." John trailed off but then just shook his head. "Never mind it." He decided. "Do you uh, have the time on you?"

"Sure" Arthur answered with a small cough as he reached into his vest to retrieve his pocket watch. "Going on ten."

"Yeah... Thought it was gettin' late. We should head back.'

Arthur finished what was left of his drink, sitting the glass back down upon the table. "You go ahead... Don't feel like the ride back... Think I'll rent a room at the lodge, head back in the morning." Arthur spoke as he got up from his seat. John followed his lead with a brow raised. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah." Arthur gave a slight nod. Not only was he not feeling up to the ride back, he wasn't ready to immerse himself into the gang's chaos once again that quickly.

"Alright... Just be careful... Okay?" John asked as they came to their horses outside of the saloon.

As per usual, one of Arthur's coughs came about as he nodded. "I will." He turned to make his way towards the post office that doubled as a lodge.

John stood frozen by their horses, one hand on Ol Boy's saddle horn and yet he hesitated to pull himself up. John didn't want to return to the gang either just yet the more he thought on it. But more importantly, John didn't want to leave Arthur. The man's time was limited, their time together even more so and John felt that if he didn't soak up every second of each opportunity with Arthur, he would regret it.

To hell with it. The reigns in John's other hand, he wrapped them back around the hitching post and followed the path to the lodge. John was able to make out which room Arthur had entered and followed on to that one, only to be met with a woman standing beside the door. "Oh, you can't go in there sir, somebody just-"

"Yeah, I know, he's a friend." John went to push past her but she persisted.

"Oh, you're one of those? We don't take kindly to them, mister."

John froze in his tracks, glancing over his shoulder back at her. "Yeah? Maybe I don't take kindly to your kind running your mouth..." His words trailed off as his hand reached to retrieve something. She gasped, expecting a weapon to be drawn on her, however when he handed out folded bills she was stunned. "So keep your damn mouth shut and don't make me regret this."

"Humph... Folks like you are sick." She snatched the money from his hand. "But I ain't seen anything." She turned from him to walk away.

John shook his head and reached out for the door, it was still unlocked to which he pushed it open with each and made his way inside. Arthur sat with his coat half off of one side of him, while he attempted to regain control of yet again another one of his coughing fits.

"Arthur..." John sighed as he made his way over." Here, let me help..." He muttered, reaching out for Arthur's coat. Somewhere along the lines of being sick, tired and tipsy, Arthur failed to have his stubborn demeanor and rather than resist with some sarcastic remark, he just accepted the help.

"John, why are you still here?" Arthur did manage as his coat was slipped off the rest of his body.

"Staying with you for the night and I don't wanna hear no shit about it." John retorted as he leaned down to pull Arthur's boots off of him.

Arthur looked around the room and back down at the twin sized bed he sat on. "...Where?"

John sat the man's boots aside and met his gaze once more. "Don't worry about me..." He looked over to the pillow, or rather the poor excuse there was of one. "This place is for the dogs..." He muttered, grabbing Arthur's coat again. John worked with it and fluffing up the flat pillow to the best he could to give Arthur some kind of support for his breathing.

"W-why are you making such a fuss?" Arthur proceeded with a couple more coughs. John pretended not to hear and tried not to dwell on the fact that his acts of love and support were numbered.

"Lay back." John finally spoke with a voice unusually soft, foreign to him when he had harbored feelings other than love for this man before, bitter and childish emotions he wished he could take back now. It seemed not too long again John had this undying resent for him and now, here they were again. Funny how things changed.

Arthur lay back, shifting until he found himself a decently comfortable position on his side. John pulled the blanket over him and reached for his hand, a thing he clung to as if he wouldn't see this man in the morning light but that was the thing, Arthur had his stubborn ways - a fighter till the end and yet, nobody knew when that end was.

"You seem troubled... Anything you wanna talk about?" Arthur questioned, thumb grazing over the hand that held his, touch just barely there but John could feel it and it spoke volumes after all these years of being together but at the same time, being apart.

John swallowed hard, shaking his head as he got in a more comfortable sitting position on the floor. "Nah, you just relax and go to sleep."

Arthur drew in a ragged breath. "John, tell me... What were you gonna say in the saloon earlier?"

John was silent for a moment as he debated answering but finally he sighed. "Just thinking about things... Do you think we could've worked in any scenario? What if we had left the gang together, went somewhere far away... Could we have made it?" It was one of those hypothetical situations now, John knew that but still, it dawned on him.

Arthur looked up at him. "In a perfect world, maybe but this ain't a perfect world..." A cough came but it seemed that those were dying down for the time being now that Arthur had finally found some point to relax and that made John hate this whole entire situation even more; what they were, this lifestyle they lived, how it was shortening Arthur's life all the faster...

"Someone would've found out... Two men traveling or even living together, wouldn't that seem funny to you?"

"We could've-"

"Killed 'em? What kind of men would that have made us? Men like that man Dutch has become, selfish? Just be happy for the memories we made and the moments we have now... They're not as crazy or exciting as how we used to be but they'll mean just as much if not more in the end."

John had to break their gaze with one another, though his hold on Arthur's hand tightened. "When did you become so damn philosophical?"

Arthur gave a little chuckle. "I've come across some interesting people that got me thinkin' in ways I didn't believe I could... I wish things could've been different, I would've wanted nothing more but we can't change it... We can only leave it, move on, keep going while we can."

John was clenching his teeth so tight he felt they would shatter, all to just keep his emotions at bay. "Yeah..." There was still so much that plagued his mind but the night was getting late. Exhaling a deep breath, he squeezed Arthur's hand a little tighter. "Get some rest now."

"Get outta here and get back to camp."

"Not a chance in hell..." John grumbled and it sound as if Arthur chuckled once again only this time in more of a tired manner. "Have it your way then... 'Night."

"Goodnight Arthur."

Tomorrow John knew he would pay for how he spent the night asleep with what little sleep he would get but to him, it would be worth it.

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If you feel like leaving a review, or even favoring/following this story, as always, it is much appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3

I'm just gonna say, the ending of this may seem like it was put together in haste, that's because it is... I'm sorry, I literally changed it last minute before uploading so it didn't seem TOO much like the previous chapters. I'am currently attending college now so I didn't have time to go over this again and perfect that part so I do apologize if it seems to lack. I'll try to get future chapters out on time, with quality content but they may be late some days, forgive me. I hope the fans of this story stick with me though ~ also, check out the upcoming fanfic I'll be posting soon! Its going to be more original with more open possibilities as it doesn't follow the storyline. We may even cure Arthur's TB :)

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 _Dutch has been acting funny ever since I came back from Van Horne... He's always acting off now and days but this time it's different... Micah's been guarding me like a damn dog, I swear I don't know who's breath is hotter on the back of my neck, his or the Pinkertons. Hell, for all I know, he maybe one of 'em... What I do know is, the more he rides with us, the more I can't stand him..._

Arthur looked up from his journal, surveying the camp. Things felt the same as they had been when the gang had left Blackwater, only worse now. Tempers were flaring, nerves were shot and everybody was looking for somebody to pin these ill feelings onto. This time, it seemed as if everything was aimed in his direction to the point he was beginning to feel like a criminal in the family he ran with.

Dutch hadn't really spoken much to him recently, hadn't supplied them with some crazy scheme to carry out or any additional information which came as a nice break but also had Arthur on edge wondering what exactly was running through Dutch's mind. Knowing the man as he did, there was always **something** to be found brewing up there; this just felt like the calm before the storm.

A heavy sight left him, gaze coming to rest at the little family within the gang. John hadn't talked to him since that night in Van Horne, coming up on a week now of silence and if Arthur was lucky, a glance. Abigail spoke in passing, the only one to do so without attitude in the process. Her kindness was a breath of fresh air and yet, Arthur would be lying to say it brought him any consolation.

"Whatcha writin' there?" Oh, there it was; that ratty voice to match the equally ratty appearance. Arthur couldn't stand the sight or sound of either. He slammed his journal shut with a thud. "None of your damn business, Micah." Bitter words snapped as he tucked the book away in his satchel.

"Is that any way to treat a friend there, Arthur?" The blonde persisted.

Arthur stood up from the chair he was sitting on and glared at him. "We ain't friends, far as I'm concerned... So why don't you get outta my space?" His fists clenched at his sides, something that didn't go unnoticed to Micah Bell and yet, did little to intimidate him.

"Whatcha gonna do there, black lung? Cough on me, make me sick?" Micah's words trailed off into a laugh and in that split second Arthur truly through about it... But, he was trying to atone for his sins not create more.

"Nah, I'm not a snake like that... I have my morals."

"Morals..." Micah grew quiet for a moment, hands coming to rest on his hips as if to show some sort of authority in the situation he had created. "Do those morals include holding up with other men?" Micah asked, narrowed scowl locked onto the man in front of him. "Tell me something, Arthur Morgan... How exactly did you get sick again?"

And just like that, the world around them stopped. The chatter of the other members faded, noises of the forest seized to exist and all Arthur could hear was the sound of his own rapid heartbeat, surging with adrenaline. All he could see was blind rage and the scum of the earth before him and without thought, his hand collided with Micah's jaw.

"I should've left you there to rot... Risking my damn life for an arrogant son of a bitch like you!" Arthur was on him faster than a grizzly to its prey, Micah's shirt clenched in his fist all the while his ill ridden body began its fit of coughs at the most inconvenient of times.

Caught up in the moment around them and trying to prevent succumbing to his coughing, he failed to notice the gasps and shouts of his fellow gang members, until one voice that could dominate over all others called out from behind them.

"Arthur, what the hell is going on here?!" Dutch's voice boomed out like thunder as he took hold of Arthur's shirt collar, pulling him off of Micah.

Arthur just slapped his hand away and turned from him in attempt to find relief. "I d-don't know D-Dutch..." The more these attacks happened, the worse they became. Arthur felt as if he weren't able to grasp his breath, as if he were truly trying to cough up one if not both his lungs.

"Arthur! Here!" The feminine voice called out as Abigail rushed over with a cup of water in her grasp. Arthur turned to her without question he took it and drank from it in a means to regain control of himself. Finally, the coughs seemed to settle and Arthur glared back at Dutch. "Why don't you tell me? Seems like everybody knows what's going on in my life..."

Dutch looked between the four of them, a disapproving look settling over his features. "Excuse us Abigail... You two, follow me." He instructed to the two of them and led the way to a more secluded area from the rest of the members.

Arthur handed the cup back to Abigail with a slight nod. "Thank you Abigail... Appreciate it." He scowled then at Micah before following after Dutch's footsteps, blonde rat traveling in tow once he picked himself up, hand coming to rub his cheek.

Once out of ear shot of the camp, Dutch stopped and turned to face the both of them. "I'll ask again, what the hell was that? I don't tolerate that kind of shit here... We are a family, goddamnit!"

"Are we? Because it sure don't feel like it these days." Arthur retorted through his wheezes.

Dutch quirked a brow at this... challenge. "Arthur, what is the problem? You've been acting as if you're questioning everything I'm trying to do lately... Have you lost your faith in me?"

"It ain't like that Dutch!" Arthur exclaimed with another small cough. He turned back to Micah then. "What business did you have in Van Horne?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Micah scoffed.

"No... No, no, no. Five nights ago, why were you there? You had to be there to see me there... So why were you?"

A heavy silence settled over the three of them, eyes flickering to one another in their own suspicions. The tension was thick between Arthur and Micah and yet when words were voiced they came from neither.

"I asked him to go..." Dutch's statement shattered the silence faster than a brick into glass and Arthur just looked at him in disbelief as if this was all some kind of fevered dream. "I asked because I found it a little funny that you and John of all people decided to venture from camp in the situation we're in... for what? I couldn't be for certain."

"Wait... Did you..." Arthur had to take a moment to process this and still he wasn't sure if he truly grasped it. "Think we were going behind your back?" Arthur took in a deep ragged breath. "We just went for a drink. Things are tense, I thought it'd be nice."

"Well, it is nice that you two got your shit together finally, but we have other problems than both of you sneaking off and staying gone all night which brings me to ask Arthur, why were you gone so long?" Dutch asked with a calmness that had an underlining tone of intimidation all the same.

Arthur began to feel the panic set in. At this moment he felt like a rabbit under two predatory gazes, backed against a tree with no escape. "I got a little drunk, got a room at the inn and passed out... Couldn't tell ya about John. Didn't see him again till morning." He shrugged his shoulders, his gaze shifty, not staying on either of them for more than a couple of seconds.

"That my boy, is a bold face lie." Dutch countered bluntly.

"W-what?" Arthur asked, as if he truly thought Dutch would believe his words when Dutch believed nothing from him these days.

Dutch released a deep breath. "See, Micah told me that he saw you both enter the same room..."

Arthur's gaze flashed back to the rat before them with an intense anger he didn't think he could have ever mustered for another human being before.

"I had a little chat with John about it a couple days ago... I'm curious, what would Abigail think?"

"About what?! Nothing happened!" Arthur exclaimed, glaring at Dutch, a man he once admired but now questioned more than ever before.

"I didn't figure you to be funny like this black lung, but I reckon it's kinda fitting for you..." Micah chimed in once again with his smug, self entitled remark.

"You don't know a goddamn thing about me!" Arthur retorted sharply and if only looks could kill, Micah would be struck down where he stood. "What are you gonna do now Dutch... Blackmail me, hang this over me and John's head?"

"All I ask for Arthur, is your cooperation, your loyalty... Have faith in me that we'll make it out of this." Dutch spoke the words, Arthur heard and yet the man neither denied nor fully acknowledged the question asked.

"I'm on your side Dutch... Always have been..." Arthur sighed with defeat as he finally felt the wave of tension lift though now replaced with an unspoken fear. He glanced between the both of them but just shook his head as he walked away, back to the rest of the camp. Arthur ignored the stares, even the questions from some of the fellow gang members about what happened, quietly making his way back to his tent. He didn't even cast a glance John's way.

Later that night, Arthur lay in his tent, restless. His mind now weighed heavier than before. This was the very thing he was trying to prevent and honestly he couldn't think of worse hands for such delicate information to fall into. Micah and Dutch both now had a new kind of power not only over him but John too. What a mistake he had made... Arthur should've felt anger for Dutch, for sending Micah to spy on the both of them and instead, he was angry at himself for allowing any of it to happen in the first place.

A couple of low coughs broke the silence around him, a painful reminder that nothing was even possible now... even a kiss could seal John's fate and yet, he stood there earlier that day accused even. Arthur was just left with memories of before... Before any of this, before he was everybody's dog. Before he contracted his illness. Before Dutch descended into madness. Before the Pinkertons. Before... Micah. Good times even outside of his personal moments with John.

Arthur took in a deep breath, resisting the urge to light the lantern and take to his journal once again. Yet, something within him felt shame to even write about his secrets with John there within those private pages. Sometimes he hated this life, the life they were stuck with, the time that held them captive to what society deemed as the norm... and as funny as it was, would this had even transpired with anyone other than John? Arthur pondered over this often but doubted the theory and wasn't that just the damndest thing? There was something special about the man that held out even to this day.

"John Marston, some days I wish I'd never met you..." Muttered words into what Arthur assumed was silence of the night.

"Talking to yourself?" John's voice shattered that silence as he poked his head into the tent.

Arthur shot up quickly in surprise. "What the hell are you doing here?!"

"I just wanted to talk... about earlier. Can I come in for a bit?" John asked, looking up to Arthur who was met with an intense glare that John damn well knew wouldn't linger long.

Arthur looked away from him with a huff. "Get in before someone sees ya..." He grumbled. Some days he missed the times where they weren't on speaking terms for the mere fact he hated this effect John seemed to have over him.

"Are you okay?" John asked first and foremost, settling in a little space to the side of Arthur. His concern was plastered all over his face; Arthur could only assume that he had been sitting on that all day.

"Yeah... Micah followed us. Dutch sent him to follow us... Reckon he doesn't trust the two of us." Arthur stated bluntly. He wasn't sure of this conversation Dutch had mentioned having with John and if that was brought up or not, but he was bringing it up now regardless.

"He did what?... I wasn't aware of that…" John could only shake his head in disbelief, his words barely audible.

Arthur was quiet then suddenly he looked back to John. "Is Abigail ready?"

"We've been talking about it... Yeah... She is. But-"

"Don't John."

"Can't you come with us?"

Arthur groaned, closing his eyes for a moment. When they opened, he was staring down at the ground. "I wish you would stop with that shit... Let me do this one thing for you guys."

"I just don't want to lose you... You're family to me, to her... to Jack. If you stay here..." John wasn't sure what would happen exactly if Arthur stayed but at this rate, things weren't looking good. If Dutch did nothing to stop his capture... If Dutch would've just left him there in that prison to hang... What would Dutch do when Arthur was of no use anymore?

"You're gonna lose me no matter what... Whether it's tomorrow or two months from now. Least let it happen on my terms." Arthur protested. He didn't want to be saved, the time for that had already passed. Now, he just wanted his redemption. "I have to pay my dues, John. When are you gonna get that through your thick, stubborn skull?"

John swallowed hard, diverting his own gaze, a tactic Arthur knew too well when John felt his own emotions catching up to him.

"I've given my life to this gang... I've done a lot of bad things. Have I served a bad man? I can't say... But this, I get to decide on. If I die making sure you and your family get out, then I've died knowing I've done something right so let me have this."

John heard the words and he understood. That wasn't the issue. Maybe he was just selfish, unwilling to let go sooner than he wanted to. He quickly wiped away at his eyes. "Sure, Arthur."

Arthur stared at him for a moment, eyes narrowing. "C'mon John. Where's that cocky, confident kid I once knew?... The one that was so sure of himself."

John looked back up to him and just shook his head slightly.

Arthur shifted into a more comfortable position, a chuckle leaving him. "Remember when ya first got here? You had a chip on your shoulder then too, thought you knew everything… You got on my everlasting nerve. I hated ya, wanted nothing to do with ya… Wanted Dutch to toss you out and leave you behind."

"Yeah well… Guess I changed that…" John muttered under his breath.

"Because you wouldn't leave me the hell alone!" Arthur exclaimed. "Even then, you were constantly on my heels… I wanted to shoot ya, John."

"Tsk." John scoffed with a roll of his eyes. "I always looked up to you Arthur… admired you, wanted to be the kinda man you were… You seemed to have it all together and even now, you have it all together... I'm just a scared, confused man…"

"You'll figure it out… But you have to move on at some point. We've had a lotta years together… We messed up a lotta things but we're here now… You got a good thing going with Abigail, just don't make my mistakes and you'll be alright. I didn't always have it all together."

John released a deep breath, looking up to him. "Did it ever mean anything or was it just a good time?"

Arthur met his gaze and his brows furrowed as if to indicate both shock at the question and a sense of hurt. "Did it mean anything?... Course it meant something… You really are dimwitted, aren't you?"

John shrugged his shoulders with a light chuckle. "I guess…" He trailed off for a long moment then sighed. "I'm sorry if I'm persistent or annoying… I just, I know what's going to happen and I just want to enjoy my last little bit of time with you, even if it's just us talking…"

Arthur's eyes widened some but then he just grinned. "You were always annoying… But, I enjoy the company. You should get back though."

"Yeah, I should. I uh… I'll talk to you again when I get the chance." John leaned in, brushing some of Arthur's loose hair back to place a kiss to his forehead. When he pulled away he smiled. "Get some sleep, don't stay up talking to yourself."

"I wasn't talking to myself…" Arthur grumbled under his breath glaring up at him.

John snickered as he made his way towards the exit. "Night, Arthur."

"Get your ass outta here!" Arthur exclaimed. "Before someone finds ya and gets anymore ideas…"

When John was gone, Arthur laid back down. The grin from earlier lingered on his features and for the first time in a while, he felt a warmth settle inside of him, despite the things to come.

* * *

Fav, follow and review to show your support... You don't have to, but I'd really appreciate it! I swear, I'm gonna try my damndest to make next chapter better and not seem like it's repetitive. I really did have to rush this one out since I changed it last minute. If I hadn't, it would've lacked something even more. I'm gonna try to find time to go back and play a few of the missions to get some ideas! Bare with me readers... -clears throat- All I need is a little TIME and FAITH.


	4. Chapter 4

A little Valentine's Day gift to my readers? Maybe, yes... no? lol I realized, I had this fanfic under Abigail/John here... -facepalm- I apologize for that, I fixed it earlier this month. I didn't notice that til what, 3 months in? lmao. Anyways, it's fixed and Arthur is in his proper spot :P

I'm not gonna lie, I kinda forgot to upload this and look over it before I came to this point today. School's been rough. Life's been rough. But, hopefully it's decent! Check out my other RDR story! I think I'm gonna post it tonight... If I don't back out again, hah.

* * *

"John" His name was called but he barely heard it, if at all. John found himself pacing around the camp idly, lost in his own head. Arthur was gone for the day, on this special revenge quest with Dutch and a woman perhaps more hell bent out of all three of them to see Colm O'Driscoll swing. But before today, John couldn't recall the last time he had talked to Arthur... Come to think of it, it hadn't been since that night in Arthur's tent. Times were difficult enough, now they had prying eyes and new threats to worry about and John, well he found himself at a breaking point of not knowing what to do.

"John Marston!" The voice came sterner and closer this time. John closed his eyes briefly and took in a deep breath to collect himself. When he exhaled and turned around, his gaze met with Abigail's presence. "Whataya want, Abigail?"

"What are you doing, just wondering around here aimlessly?" Abigail asked in turn, brows furrowing into a look of genuine concern for once at John's behavior.

John's own features softened at her expression. "I... I'm just worried I guess... About Arthur..." He diverted his gaze to the ground. "and Sadie" He corrected with a slight nod.

"Oh, you silly man... They're gonna be fine. This is Arthur and Sadie we're talking about." She chuckled but it seemed to bring no relief to her world before her. The corners of her mouth slipped down into a frown once more. "Aren't you concerned for Dutch?"

John's attention snapped back to her in a glare and he scoffed. "Not really..." He grumbled as he started to walk off again. "Dutch only worries about himself..."

Abigail chased after him, following along beside him. Her fingers fidgeted with one another to relieve what sort of negative emotion that may have started to arise within her. "Seems like it..." She muttered quietly. Bits and pieces were told to her about Dutch, things that John wanted to reveal. A puzzle that the pieces were slowly being put into place but still, she didn't know everything.

"I owe Arthur and Sadie my life, they risked theirs for yours... Dutch didn't seem as if he wanted to even try..."

"Cause he didn't. He let them take me in the first place..." John countered bitterly, avoiding any eye contact with her.

"What?!" She hissed, grabbing him by the arm and causing him to stop.

Once again, John found his glare resting on her as he was pulled back. "Didn't think it was important but... He had the shot and he didn't take it."

"The bastard!" Abigail exclaimed.

"Hush!" John retorted, looking around them for anyone who might be in close proximity. It didn't seem as if there was the threat but he couldn't be too cautious anymore. "Never know who's watching... Who's listening."

Abigail followed his gaze but in a huff she replied "As if I care!"

John's eyes narrowed, afraid that anything could trigger Micah or even Dutch himself to speak up about this affair between him and Arthur... John worried about every little thing being a trigger for the simple fact that they may not like the tone, or the approach. John was under the pressure of tiptoeing around everything it seemed.

"It doesn't matter now... Arthur and Sadie was there for me and for that, I'm grateful."

Abigail stared up at him for a moment, thinking about it. His words, their actions in doing so and she found herself smiling once again. "Me too..." She leaned in and pressed her lips to his. John was reluctant at first but he pushed back into the kiss.

"I'm grateful too... I was so worried..." Abigail trailed off when she pulled away.

John looked down at her, a hand coming to caress her cheek. So, this would be life, huh? No turning back, no second guessing it. No hope, dreams of what ifs; all of that shattered at Arthur's illness... Would anything have come of those without it? Well, that was a chapter that would be forever untold in his life.

"Abigail, you-" Before he could even process his words, he was interrupted by shouts from within the camp.

"They're back!" and it was that announcement that caused John to retract his hand as if he had been burned and he turned from Abigail in a rush to make his way towards the camp entrance.

"John, wait!" Abigail called as she chased after him once again.

The both of them came to stop, watching as the wagon was brought in. John looked about but there was no Arthur to be seen and he felt his heart sink, fearing the worst. The chatter of the other few around faded, Dutch's boasting faded, all of it the least importance.

John swallowed hard but still, couldn't find the voice to ask...

"Where's Arthur?" Abigail spoke up, asking the question that would undoubtedly eat John alive.

Dutch looked over to the both of them but before he could say anything, Sadie beat him to the punch as she came around the other side of the wagon. "He'll be here... I reckon he wanted to put some time and distance between us but don't worry, he's fine... Wouldn't have seen the bastard swing if he weren't there." Sadie's words seemed to be laced with such pride and for once happiness.

John breathed a sigh of relief or just breathed at all.

Abigail nudged him. "C'mon John... I'm sure Jack's wondering where we're at. I sat him down with earlier."

John nodded a little. "Yeah..." He followed Abigail back but his mind was once again a thousand miles away.

* * *

That night, Arthur had finally returned back to camp. He sat alone by the camp fire, his nose once again in his journal. John had anticipated his return all day, though torn about even being near Arthur under Dutch's gaze but he had already checked to see and the man was preoccupied in some discussion with Micah. At the moment, John didn't care what that was if it meant he could get some time with Arthur.

John strolled over towards the campfire, almost feeling the worries of late fade away. Knowing what he knew, he was a fool to say that Arthur brought such light to his life even after all the shit between them but, here he was, a lost cause, caught up in the way he felt.

A smile crossed his features as he drew closer but then suddenly, he stopped, seeing another figure come in beside Arthur.

"Arthur, mind if I sit with you for awhile?" Sadie asked.

Arthur looked up from his journal to her. "Well, Miss hotshot herself... Sure." He teased.

She laughed as she took a seat beside him. "Yeah... About earlier..."

"Oh no, I understand completely... But that was some ruckus." Arthur spoke as he shut his journal and stowed it away.

"I just couldn't help myself... They deserved it." Sadie shrugged her shoulders as she offered a beer to Arthur. "I'm glad you were there though..."

John watched as Arthur took the beer and Sadie seemed to lean in a little bit closer. His smile faded and with it, he selfishly felt his heart drop.

"Sadie, you coulda handled that just fine without me." Arthur opened the beer and took a drink.

"Maybe... But, I still wanted you there with me-uh-us, Arthur."

Arthur just stared at her blankly. Never one to pick up these subtle things at first hint. "Sure." A silence fell over the two of them after, Sadie debating what to say next and if she should even say it at all.

Finally, she sighed and placed a hand on Arthur's shoulder. "You're a good man, Arthur, you know that? A real good man."

Arthur had to give a wheezed laugh at that. "I do disagree."

"John, what are you doing? It's getting late..." Abigail called out from behind.

John shook his head, bringing himself out of the trance he had seemed to fallen into and looked over to her. "Oh, I just... wanted to ask Arthur about the execution but he seems busy... Maybe tomorrow."

Abigail took hold of John's arm, leaning her head on his shoulder with a soft breath. "I think Mrs. Adler likes him... Shame about the illness. They would fit well together, don't you think?"

"...Sure." John didn't quite understand why that made him feel so broken inside. After all, it was what was right in the world even if Arthur live past all this. When John looked up to the pair, what was left of his world crumbled at the sight of Sadie placing a kiss to Arthur's cheek. He clenched his jaw, swallowing hard.

"Let's go John, we better head to bed." Abigail urged as she tugged at his arm. John released a deep breath. "Alright..." He allowed himself to be willed away, not so much as glancing back to the two.

"Sadie, I uh, I don't know what to say..." Arthur stammered when he pulled away from her advances.

"I'm sorry, if I did something I shouldn't have... I just-"

"No! No... It's not you..." Arthur glanced up at her several times but couldn't find it in himself to linger long. A deep rugged breath came from him. "You're a wonderful woman, honest. I just, I'm not the man to be having these kinds of feelings for."

"If it's your illness Arthur, I understand..." Sadie muttered, a hand reaching out for his, her fingers enclosing around his. Arthur wasn't sure why he didn't pull away from that, but he didn't, not yet. Perhaps out of guilt for not reciprocating her feelings.

"It ain't that..." He grumbled.

"Oh... That Mary woman perhaps?" Sadie continued, searching for any sort of answer behind this mystery of a man.

"No... Well, not entirely." Arthur drew in another deep breath again, finally pulling his hand away from hers. He released his breath in a couple of low coughs and looked back up at her. "You seem like an understanding woman and you haven't done me wrong..."

"Never Arthur. You have been nothing but kind to me! I, well... I'd do anything for you."

Arthur searched her eyes, but all that there was to be found there was absolute sincerity, proven time and time again by her actions. He frowned. "Ya can't be with someone when your heart already belongs to another, least that's the way I see it."

Sadie's brows furrowed into that of concern, sadness even. She didn't know Arthur's personal life well, only the small bits of information she picked up here and there. "Oh, Arthur... But is she worth it? Letter after letter comes and yet..."

"It ain't Mary..." Arthur swallowed hard, looking away from her. If he was to tell her, he couldn't bear to see her expression when she learned the truth. "Or I tried to pretend but don't ya think if I loved her in a way loves supposed to go, I'd be there and not here?"

"Maybe you were just afraid of change, of leaving behind everything you knew for something else?" Sadie offered, leaning in close to him once again, looking for any sign of emotion reflecting in those blue eyes but the more she tried, the more he just turned from her until she just decided to sit back and return his personal space to him.

Just when Sadie felt that Arthur had shut her out and shut the conversation down, he spoke up once again. "Maybe I had something that meant more here though." He took another drink of the beer in his hand, gaze glancing from the flames of the campfire to her. "To put it plainly, it's John. Or, it was but now, I reckon it really isn't anybody. My life is winding down and I don't want things to be harder than they need to be. Some days I'm so confused though, some days I wished he would forget me, pretend I don't exist again but then I think about how comforting his company is now more than ever."

Arthur wasn't sure if he had just made the biggest mistake of his life here or not but there was some kind of special bond between him and Sadie that he just couldn't deny. He looked for any judgment in her features, her subtle expressions but she didn't seem to give off anything, she seemed frozen in place.

"I'm sorry, Sadie... Not only did I turn ya down... I told you something no woman should hear... Just don't think less of yourself because of me?"

Despite her rejection and her initial quietness, Sadie placed a hand on Arthur's shoulder once again. "You can't chose who you love, Arthur... I reckon the heart wants, what the heart wants... We don't control it. But," her features formed into a soft glare at him. "You shouldn't push away those you love. Did you think, maybe it's harder for John to **not** be there for you, knowing what he knows? Let him soak up this time, it's all he'll ever have with you."

Whatever disgust he thought he might find with her, there was not a trace of it. Surprise overcame him that somebody not just in this world but so close to him didn't turn him away for simply just being him. "Do you think this is natural? Right?"

Sadie looked away from him and she sighed. "Well, I can't answer that... But, what we feel instinctively, isn't that as close to nature as we can get? How can we speak of what's right? I slit a man's throat today, I shot men all because I wanted revenge... was that right? To the world, no. To me, yes. I would do it again..."

Arthur found himself nodding along to her words. "I guess... Can we... Can we keep this between us? Don't even mention it to John." He responded, looking around the both of them. Seeing that no one was close to them, Arthur cleared his throat. "Micah knows, Dutch knows and it's just one more power threat hung over our heads."

"Micah, the bastard!" Sadie hissed. "I can't stand the worm..."

"I reckon Dutch doesn't trust me anymore... Can't even go out for a drink. He had Micah tail us both and that's how word got back to him."

Sadie scoffed with a roll of her eyes. Just the time she had been here, she had seen through Micah's facade. Dutch was a damned fool for putting trust into a two-timing rat in the disguise of a man. "If either of 'em say something in front of me, it'll be a fist to the face. Dutch may have been there that night, but he's half the man you'll ever be, Arthur and Micah... Well, he ain't a man at all, just a snake."

Arthur found himself at a loss for words at Sadie's own... Kind ones? Had he ever heard that before? He couldn't recall a time someone held him in a higher regard than they had Dutch, except John but, that was different. Though Sadie seemed to have these romantic feelings for him, Arthur felt that without those, she would still see him the same.

"Hell, Uncle's more a man than Micah... and that's sayin' something..." Arthur teased with a chuckle before another cough over came him. "I shouldn't h-have said t-that..."

Sadie gave a light push to his shoulder. "Arthur! I take it back, you are terrible." She shook her head.

"Y-yes... I' am." He grinned when he regained control of himself.

Sadie just rolled her eyes once more. "In all seriousness if you and John wanna go out drinking or somewhere just to talk, I'll go with you, if you want... What can Micah say then? He won't have much to report back to Dutch, will he?" Sadie offered, figuring it was the least she could do to thank Arthur for all the things he had done for her.

Arthur's gaze widened some but then he just chuckled again. "Thanks but... You don't wanna listen to John's mushy bullshit."

Sadie shrugged her shoulders and gave a little smile. "Wouldn't bother me, two people sharing their happiness... Those are beautiful moments, Arthur."

"...You're right, I suppose."

"I' am, but I should leave you be now. I'm tired, you're probably tired... Night, Arthur." Sadie spoke as she got up from her seat.

"Goodnight, Sadie" Arthur replied, watching her.

Sadie was just about to walk away when she stopped and glanced back. "Don't let anyone come between your happiness, not even Dutch."

"Goodnight, Mrs. Adler!" Arthur exclaimed, raising the beer bottle to his lips. As Sadie walked away, he finished off the remnants of the beer. If only things were as simple as the words Sadie spoke.

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You guys know the drill, show that love/support~!


	5. Chapter 5

John sat there, staring out into the nothingness, his mind on things he longed to forget. A beer was nestled in his hand and he knew it was too early to be drinking but, to hell with that, right? His troubles were getting the better of him and he just needed something to take the edge off.

"Papa, can we play?" Jack asked, tugging at John's pant leg.

John looked down at him with a frown and a heavy sigh. "Sorry, Jack... Maybe some other time. I'm not feeling well." He partially lied. Mentally, he felt himself slowly break day by day and with it, he felt himself physically fill with dread for the inevitable creeping just around the corner. He wasn't ready, he would never be ready.

"Oh... Okay..." Jack muttered as he walked off with his head bowed.

John took a drink of the beer when his silence was once again broken by the ear piercing shouts he was all too familiar with.

"John Marston!" Abigail called out as she stomped up to him.

John looked up at her with a brow raised. "What?"

"Why are you sitting around, sulking, John? You've been doing this for two weeks now." She asked.

"I don't know what you're talking about..." John muttered as he looked away from her. This wasn't the thing he needed right now.

"You haven't been right since that night over the campfire... Don't lie to me. What's going on?" She pressed further.

"You wouldn't understand, Abigail..." John released a deep breath as he went for another drink. However, Abigail grabbed the bottle from him.

"Understand what? Is it Mrs. Adler, do you fancy her too?" She asked with a tinge of jealousy in her voice. "I should have known... The long looks you've given her."

John looked at her with a state of surprise, and then his gaze narrowed. "It ain't that!" He exclaimed suddenly. "It's got nothing to do with her..." Or, well not in the way Abigail assumed it to at least but, if she knew the truth behind those lingering looks, then her disgust with him would be something they couldn't overcome. Or so he assumed.

"Then why are you getting so touchy about it?" Abigail refused to drop the matter at hand.

"You wouldn't understand, Abigail but I don't think of her like that so would you please just let it go already?" John sighed with defeat.

Abigail just looked up at him with a scowl for a long moment and then she held out the beer to John. "Here" Her tone was cold suddenly.

John silently took the half empty bottle from her and then she turned from him and walked away in the same fashion she came, not saying anything further. John looked down, slowly taking another sip of the beer.

* * *

Evening rolled around, the sun painting the sky with hues of orange and pinks, though clouded by the tree line they hid within for the most part.

John sighed as he looked over to the man next to him. "You've got to stop..." He spoke low.

Arthur looked back up at him, breathing rough. "We're not done yet, John..."

"No! You're..." John looked away from him hastily, glaring down at the ground. "We ain't in the business of revenge, don't you remember?"

"I had to help her... Sadie's a tough woman, but she couldn't have handled all them O'Driscoll boys on her own. It's over now, it's done with." Arthur retorted with his now signature coughs to accompany his words.

"Until someone else needs something of you..." John muttered.

"Somebody always needs something of me. I'm the working horse, John... We both know that." Arthur responded once he had a hold of himself. "And I do it because I want to."

John released a deep breath, deciding it best not to push the subject further. He had run that to the ground and Arthur was just as stubborn as he, himself could be. "So... You and Sadie?"

Arthur's brows furrowed slightly. "What about me and Sadie?" He asked with a suspicion of what John was about to get at.

"Do you... I mean... If things were different, she'd be good for you." John nodded.

Arthur quirked a brow then at that. "Were you watching us?"

"No! I... Uhh... I just wanted to talk to you that night... I wasn't trying to be odd..." John lowered his head.

"You were always odd, John... Why stop now?" Arthur asked with sarcasm, coughing a few times. "But no, I don't think of her like that... She's a good woman, a strong woman but... Well..." He paused for a moment, diverting his gaze to the ground as he thought. There were certain things he tried to avoid speaking about for the mere fact he didn't want to reel John in deeper knowing the situation but perhaps, he shouldn't with hold those things. Sadie had given him some clarity on that.

"In an ideal world, it'd be just me and you. No one would care, no one would bother us. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't think of someone the same like I do you, so why cause the fuss?"

John just stared at him for a long time it seemed, in silence at what he had heard. He felt hot tears start to sting his eyes as he reached out for Arthur's hand. "I didn't think you felt that strongly about me... I hate that it has to be this way."

Arthur looked down at the hand that held his and then back up to John. "So do I... But you'll be alright. You always are."

John gave a sad little smile. "Yeah, I gotta be, won't have ya to come save me anymore..."

"Just stay away from them wolves..." Arthur retorted with a wheezy and weak laugh.

John rolled his eyes but he couldn't hide his chuckle. Despite the shit they had been through, Arthur was always the one looking out for him. He had been from the time John came into their little group... They shared something special, something they didn't with any other.

Arthur gave a faint smile towards John. Things had seemed simpler then, clearer. What had happened to all of them along the way?

"Arthur!" Dutch called out as he approached the both of them. Arthur retracted his hand quickly and diverted his gaze from John. "Yes?"

"Good work... Taking care of the rest of those O'Driscolls." Dutch commended as he placed a hand on Arthur's shoulder, casting a quick glance over at John, who of which just met it with a scowl of his own.

"Wasn't my plan, was Sadie's... I just, helped out." Arthur shrugged.

"Either way, well done... Like I said, we're tying up loose ends... We're almost there. I can feel it."

"Sure, Dutch." Arthur gave a slight nod to the man's words but whether he truly beloved them or not, he couldn't say anymore. He wanted to, he really did but the way things were panning out, it was hard to keep Dutch's faith.

Dutch cast a final glance between the both of them, before speaking once again. "Well, you two, enjoy your evening." Words seemingly calm and yet cold at the same time. John glared at him as he turned to walk away, knowing very well there was a subtle threat still looming over them.

"Ya know..." John trailed off until the man was out of ear shot. "Sometimes, I would like to sock him square in the face..." He grumbled. "I admired him when I was a boy but now... Well, I don't know what I think now..."

Arthur let out a heavy, distressed sigh. "I know, John... I know. Just focus on what's important."

John looked out ahead of them, the sun surely not too far from disappearing for the day. Another night drawing in, another day coming to a close and another one down on Arthur's life.

"Do you think this will all pan out as smoothly as we think it will?" He asked.

"Not really... Nothing has ever gone smoothly for us. But I can still try, so you, Abigail and Jack can get out of here. That's all I want."

John looked back to him, a brow quirked. "You're not even curious about the money that Dutch has hidden? We'd be a fool to leave it behind..."

Arthur thought about it for a moment but as tempting as it was, he wasn't all that concerned with it... Not to the extent that he was concerned for John's family. "We'll see... But getting you guys out, that's first priority."

John nodded a little and went silent for a long while, simply just watching the sunset.

"I want you to know... That, I'm grateful." John spoke up once again, but still he refused to look at Arthur. "Though I don't think I deserve it... All the hell I put you through... You may have forgiven me but I don't think I can forgive myself... But, still you're putting us - me, before yourself..." He looked down to the ground, shamefully. "I wish you wouldn't... Not me."

Arthur rolled his eyes. "Shut the hell up." He growled. I'm giving you the chance, I don't have."

"Thank you..." John muttered.

"Don't thank me either, John. There's no need for it." Arthur spoke as he glanced over to him. "You should go be with your family. I'll be alright." Sadie's pep talk from last night was still fresh in his mind but at the same time Arthur didn't want John to miss out on what would be there for him long after he was gone.

John clenched his jaw, taking a moment to let that set in. Arthur was right. As much as John wanted to be at the man's side at every moment possible, he had a family now. They weren't the kids they used to be, without responsibilities and living life on their own terms. Still, as John's brain tried to will him to move, he found it hard to.

"Are you sure? You know, things really aren't the best between me and Abigail right now, maybe some space will do her good?" He tried to reason foolishly.

"I know John but, if not for Abigail then for Jack. He needs you more than either one of us right now." Arthur replied, reaching out for John's hand one last time to give it a squeeze. "The boy needs his father, more than she needs a troubled husband and certainly more than I need a hopeless fairy tale." Arthur didn't want to let any of this go and he wouldn't let it entirely go, but at the same time they could never have what they once did. Their time had passed with their youth and John deserved what he had and Arthur was going to push him to that. "Go. We'll talk more tomorrow." And with that he let go of John's hand, pulling away quickly before the man could reach back out.

It felt as if it took all of John's strength within that moment to move from where he sat but, he got up and turned with intent to walk away. However, he glanced back over his shoulder, sucking in breath. "I-"but before he finished, he cut himself short, merely giving a shake of his head. "See you tomorrow... Maybe." Given there wasn't some grand scheme Dutch had cooked up again by then. As he faded into the darkness, Arthur lit up a cigarette, contemplating things.

* * *

I already have another chapter started (or rather found one I had started), so I'll be working on getting that up soon. It's gonna hopefully be sweet, and all up in the feels! :O YEEEEES.

And, I'm gonna slowly try to transition this story over to John for the last few chapters when those come around. Now when that will happen I'm not sure and if I'll be able to do it fluently? Hell, probably not, lmao. I haven't been in the writing game for a long while, try to cut me a break. ^^'

But anyways, enjoyyyyyyy.


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